Spidercamp

awesome cheesy biscuit snacks

This is about the greatest homemade snack food I can imagine, and takes about 15 minutes to make, start to finish. I’m not really sure what category they fall into. They’re like small savory biscuits, but lighter and less crumbly. Cheesy cakes? Whatever they are, they’re amazingly tasty, good with beer or soda, and make a fine snack, breakfast side item, or, I admit it, entire dinner. This recipe makes enough for four polite people to snack or for two to be hogs.

1 cup all-purpose white flour
2 tsp baking powder
a pinch of salt
1/2 tsp cumin
1/2 tsp chili powder
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp black pepper
1 tbsp fresh chives, chopped
2 cups grated cheddar, jack, or any firm cheese with a strong flavor
1 egg
1/2 cup milk

Combine all the dry ingredients - flour, baking powder, spices - in a large bowl, and mix them thoroughly. Add in the cheese and chives. Beat the egg and milk together separately, then add them into the cheesy stuff. Combine well. Drop by spoonfuls onto a cookie sheet lined with parchment paper.  Bake at 375 F for about 10 minutes, until tops are browned. Let cool on a rack for a few minutes.

Notes:

I say “firm cheese” above, but I don’t really know if that’s a thing. I just mean the recipe is not likely to work if you use only hard cheese (parmesan) or soft cheese (brie). You could certainly try different combinations, including small amounts of either hard or soft. I usually use a mixture of sharp cheddar and jack. I imagine pepper jack would be good.

The spices and additions will tolerate quite a bit of tweaking and experimentation. The combination above is really, really  good, but if you don’t have cumin in the house, don’t sweat it. I have not tried including red pepper, chiles, rosemary, sage, sun-dried tomatoes, onions, or green onions, but I bet they would work out great.

Little ones (dropped by teaspoonfuls) turn out crunchier. Medium to big ones (1-2 tablespoonfuls) turn out chewier. Just don’t make them as big as muffins or you risk the centers not getting cooked. They spread only a little as they cook, so you can fit quite a few on one baking sheet.

You can use egg substitute, soy milk, or reconstituted powdered milk in this recipe. The flavors of the cheeses and spices will dominate anyway. But for christ’s sake don’t use soy cheese, because gross.

I use parchment paper because it rules and because I am hesitant to add any more oil to these things. They don’t end up particularly greasy, but they’re more than half cheese, so I don’t want to push it. If you have no parchment, a silpat will work, or a cookie sheet sprayed lightly with oil. You might be able to get away with doing nothing at all to the pan. If you don’t overcook these, I doubt they will stick very much. (But no fussing if I’m wrong) Man was that ever a lie. They stick. Sorry. Use parchment or oil, for real.

These are best eaten soon after they’re cooked, but will stay good for at least several hours and even until the next morning, if you’re not totally picky - they do get a little oilier by that point. Store in a covered thing.

You will know they are done cooking when they turn golden brown and make your house smell like pure awesome. As always, please let me know if you try these.

hostess cupcakes from scratch, oh. hell. yes

You will begin by making chocolate cupcakes. I am partial to the recipe given below, because it results in rich, tasty cakes with flat tops. But any recipe should do. If you cheat by making cake from a mix, I really don't understand you as a person because the point of this exercise is to recreate a traditional, trashy junk food FROM SCRATCH, thereby transforming said trash into elegance, and if you use a mix they won't be nearly as frigging glorious as they have the potential to be.

So, make the cupcakes. This recipe should make 12 regular-sized. Let them cool completely; you'll be sorry if you don't. Leave them in their papers.

Core the cupcakes. The idea here is to scoop out a large chunk of the center, to make a, um, cream pocket. I had good luck using a plastic spoon. Try not to hit bottom or poke through the sides. Remove this core and save the "lid," i.e. just the flat bit of cake that used to be the top surface of the core. But you can eat the center and bits and crumbs you scooped out, those have no other use.

Whip some cream (recipe below) and drop it by spoonfuls into the cupcakes until the holes are filled. Replace the cake lids and poke until they are flush. Mine were pretty ugly at this point, all crumby and irregular. Doesn't matter, it's all about to get covered by ganache.

Make the ganache (recipe below). Let it sit until it's at a spreadable consistency - room-temperature-ish and not runny. Frost the cupcakes. You will be happy to discover this recipe makes too much ganache. So you will either have to do two coats (not really recommended, as one coat alone can be rather stiff when it hardens and can make the cupcake weirdly topheavy with the sugar content, but do as you like) or eat it with your monkey hands or seal up the extra and keep it in the fridge, where it will stay fine for quite a while - several weeks at least.

Put the cupcakes in the fridge to let the ganache set. Wait until it's matte to do the next step, I have no idea how long this takes.

The next and last step is the white squiggle. I recommend buying a commercial tube of frosting and using a frosting tip thing meant for writing. If I had been very ambitious I would have made my own frosting, see paragraph 1, but, I am not very ambitious and perhaps a hypocrite but it's only a damn squiggle. I recommend practicing on the counter or someone's hand first.

now feed it to people and watch them faint

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cake:

1 c all-purpose flour
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 c cold water
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 c oil (canola or safflower)
1 c white sugar
1 egg
1/4 c baking cocoa (measured, then sifted)

lightly combine flour, b powder, b soda, salt.

in separate bowl, combine water & vanilla.

line muffin pan (cupcake pan?) with paper liners. preheat oven to 350

mix oil, sugar, and eggs until smooth & uniform. add cocoa, mix. add 1/3 the dry stuff, add 1/3 of the water/vanilla, mix just until smooth (about 20 seconds, do not overmix). Continue until it's all in there.

batter will be quite thin. fill each muffin cup about 3/4 full. bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. when done the tops may still be slightly shiny, use toothpick to test.

whipped cream:

In a chilled bowl with chilled beaters, beat 1 cup cold heavy cream until it's thickened. Add between 2 teaspoons and 2 tablespoons sugar, to taste. Add 1/2 teaspoon vanilla. Mix. Do not overbeat your cream dudes, it'll turn into butter. Just mix it until you've got enough sugar in there for your taste, and the consistency seems, you know, whipped. Be forewarned: this recipe makes just barely enough cream to fill a dozen cupcakes, so either scale it up or don't eat any out of the bowl.

ganache:

amazing with two ingredients.

finely chop up 8 oz. semisweet chocolate. not sure if chocolate chips would work the same, because of the paraffin etc. put it in some kind of big heat-resistant bowl.

heat 3/4 cup heavy whipping cream in saucepan on medium heat JUST UNTIL it begins to boil. Remove from heat right away and dump it over the chocolate.

Stir it around until the chocolate is mostly melted. Then cover it with a lid or plate or whatever, doesn't have to be a perfect seal, the idea is to keep most of the heat in. let it sit for 10 minutes.

Then whisk it really gently until it is smooth and uniform. ta daa

When hot it is ideal for drizzling over stuff like a glaze. It will get more spreadable as it cools, and if you refrigerate it, it will harden to a uh, sort of creamy hardness. like a firm truffle? which makes sense, as this is how truffles are made, just with different proportions of chocolate and cream.

if you need it to be thinner, like if it starts to get too thick before you are done working with it, it's ok to heat it up again, on REAL low heat, stirring gently.

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Notes: I found out by accident that this delightful treat will keep extremely well for several days in sealed containers in the fridge, even half-finished. I found this out because I fucked up the ganache (bad recipe, not the above) on the first go-round and had to try again the next day, and then, as good as they were, it was too many cupcakes and not enough people to get them all eaten right away. The cake did not dry out, even when left un-ganached overnight, and the whipped cream did not destabilize or go funny in any way. This may seem like a complicated venture but it actually proved pretty hard to fuck up (providing you use a non-screwy ganache recipe) and ridiculously delicious.

If you try these, please let me know - I'd like to know how they turn out. And I'd like to know the reactions of the people you feed these to. My favorite so far is "You didn't!" But I did.

Photo here.

Chocolate Cake #1: tasty but flat

internet i heard you liked to hear me talk about cakes!!?ok

As this is super tasty, nobody in this house cried about having to eat it for a couple days. But it is unfortunately not well-suited to cupcakes. The tops don't dome and they want to stick to the papers a little.

Surprisingly chocolatey considering how little cocoa the recipe calls for. I think using ghiharaahadelli makes a huge difference (I will use that forever, ever since I looked in the can of it and then looked in the can of kroger-brand and saw which one looked like a delicious and which one was gray dust).

this would be good with vanilla ice cream or whipped cream. if frosted, the frosting would ideally be as plain as possible, because this cake is very sweet & rich.

1 c all-purpose flour
3/4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp baking soda
1/4 tsp salt
3/4 c cold water
1/2 tsp vanilla
1/4 c oil (canola or safflower)
1 c white sugar
1 egg
1/4 c baking cocoa (measured, then sifted)

lightly combine flour, b powder, b soda, salt.

combine water & vanilla.

this will make one 8- or 9-inch cake, or 12 cupcakes. grease and flour pans or use paper cupcake liners.

preheat to 350

mix oil, sugar, and eggs until smooth & uniform. add cocoa, mix. add 1/3 the dry stuff, add 1/3 of the water/vanilla, mix just until smooth (about 20 seconds, do not overmix). Continue until it's all in there.

batter will be quite thin. pour it in pans. bake at 350. 30-35 min for a cake, 20-25 for cupcakes. when done the tops may still be slightly shiny, use toothpick to test.

if you are up for extreem chocolate action you can let this sit in the pan on a wire rack for about 20 min, then dump chocolate fudge frosting over it while still warm, tilting the pan so the frosting covers it evenly. otherwise, let rest 10-20 min in the pan on wire rack, then take out of pan, let continue cooling on rack. then eat it unto your face

cupcake jamboree

I have decided to master the cupcake because awesome. If you are local to me I am sure you will be tasting the cakes of my labor sooner or later. This is also how I'm going to make the neighbors love me.

My goal is to discover the badassest chocolate recipe and vanilla recipe out there. I guess then I could branch out into all the frilly stuff like special fillings and garnishes, only not likely. I did however manage to make suitably star-shaped stars out of frosting on the latest batch. Using, um, the star-shaped frosting tip. I'm advanced!

During this quest I have learned that some people grease the cupcake pan, put in the paper liners, then spray oil on the insides of those. This is apparently a pretty common practice, to which I barf.

Here is an evolving list of the recipes I've tried so far, with commentary not really meant to be entertaining or insightful, sorry dudes, but just so I won't lose the recipes or forget which is which:

• Chocolate Cake #1: tasty but flat


• Yellow Cake #1: rises nicely but a bit plain


• Chocolate Fudge Frosting: winner!

Russian Tea Cakes

This, like the other recipes I've written up here, are mostly for my own reference because I'm dumb and can't ever find my trusted recipes and index cards are apparently too hard.

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1 cup (2 sticks) butter (salted or unsalted, MUST be room temperature) 1 tsp vanilla extract 6 Tbsp powdered sugar 2 cups all-purpose flour 1 cup chopped pecans (smaller than chunks but larger than dust) more powdered sugar for on top Cream butter & vanilla until smooth. Combine flour & sugar and add it in. This is going to look DRY but it's ok. Keep mixing until it all pretty much sticks together. Mix in the pecans. Roll dough into 1 inch balls & place 2 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake for 12 min in 350 degree oven. They will not change much in shape or appearance. When done their surface will look dry & bottoms will be browned. Let cool & throw some in a ziplock with more powdered sugar, toss it around till they're covered. Note to anyone who might try this recipe, or future self: don't freak if raw butter appears to be coming off on your hands when handling these things! Because it is actually a combination of powdered sugar & general butteryness, i.e. frosting, and all is as it should be.

Oreo Sludge Bars

My friend Paula invented these; they are amazing. Oreos gone gooey, with extra chocolate, in convenient brownie form. If you like those things, I believe you will like this thing: Combine: * about 30 oreos, crushed to the fineness or coarseness of your liking. (a ladle or potato masher works well) * 3/4 cup all-purpose flour * 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips (half a regular-sized bag) Add: * 1 stick butter, melted * 1 14-oz can sweetened condensed milk * 1 tsp vanilla extract * 1 cup flaked coconut (optional) (I leave it out because in this context it seems gross.)
At this point you will understand the "sludge" in the title - what you are stirring is a thick blackish lumpy tar. Later it will go in your tummy! Butter the hell out of an 8x8 square baking pan. A round cake pan would be fine too. Spread the tar fairly evenly - it will not move much during baking. Bake at 375 degrees for 20-25 minutes, except probably a bit less. When they're done, the top will get gray and ugly (NOT particularly golden brown). If you're uncertain as to doneness, take them out of the oven. Overbaking will result in hard, unchewable badness. Underbaking poses no health risk (no eggs) and will result in messier but still astoundingly nummy num-nums. The only reason to bake these at all is so the ingredients can jell together and form a brownie-like cohesion. Cut with a plastic knife to avoid sticking.
Suggestions: * Since this only makes a small pan, you may be tempted to double the recipe. Make the small batch first - these are intense, and they go a long way. * Cut them small. I've seen the most devout chocoholics totally satisfied by a one-inch square of this. * These are excellent with vanilla ice cream - it balances the richness. * Don't try to make individual brownies in muffin tins. This is a great idea that does not work at all.

Frooty frooty muffins

Ingredients: * one to two cups of fruit * 3/4 c milk * 1/2 cup oil OR one stick melted butter * one egg * one-third cup plus one tablespoon sugar * one teaspoon salt * three teaspoons baking powder * two cups flour * some cinnamon, if you like cinnamon * a litle vanilla never hurt anyone
What to do: Mix em up and bake at 400 for, I don't know, till they're done. Fifteen minutes? Helpful Hints: If you grease the bottoms of the muffin cups, you'll be happy. Paper liners will only bring you grief; these muffins tend to cling to the paper and you end up having to scrape the papers with your teeth to properly extract all the frooty frooty goodness. These are good with apples. Excellent with apples and blueberries. I use fresh fruit but frozen probably works just as well. Fresh apples plus dried cranberries is delicious too. If you use apples, it's wise to chop them directly into the batter, or at least into the milk, so they don't turn brown. You can add a whole damn lot of fruit to the batter and it will turn out ok, just as long as there's enough batter to stick it together. Probably you'd be all right substituting water for the milk - I use powdered milk at half-strength and they turn out fine. You will not be sorry if you top these with a little brown sugar before baking. They're not health food, but if you're gong to have something sweetish, why not homemade, with no preservatives and other needless crap? Plus, they're half fruit. All in all, a delightful treat that takes ten minutes to mix, fifteen to bake, and will, if you're me, have your co-workers narrowing their eyes at you and accusing you of having stopped by a bakery.

gaspingly good brownies

* 4 oz unsweetened chocolate (baking chocolate) * 8 oz unsalted butter * 2 cups granulated sugar * 2 tsp vanilla extract * 1 tsp almond extract * 1/2 tsp salt * 4 eggs * 1 cup nuts, if you like that sort of thing * 1 and 1/3 cups cake flour (regular flour will do fine) * 1 tsp baking powder
Melt the chocolate! Melt the butter! (in saucepan over low heat works best, using the microwave will make you sorry you tried.) Mix em up In the order given Pour and spread batter in a 9x13" pan, lightly greased. Bake for 35 minutes on the center rack in a 350 deg oven. Don't overbake them, fool!