Spidercamp

sometimes i don't update this thing because i am too busy reading muppet fanfic

other times i am sitting on a stone chair in an icu waiting room and taking big drugs and glossing over and gliding through every branch of the hospital, getting lost in the secret ugly snarl of service hallways behind the cafeteria, trying and failing to be friendly to the smiling orderly who gets me un-lost and wants to make conversation.

my father had a heart attack and a bypass and a bypass and a bypass and a bypass and his aorta fell apart in surgery so they made him a new one out of paper clips and lunch meat. then he almost died again a bunch of times and then technically i guess he did die so they smacked him until he came back and then they thought he was going to die from this other thing but then he was ok? it ended well but it took forever. it's still 2009? ludicrous.

dr. brown came to find us after surgery. tired eyes from 10 hours of struggling and fixing and re-fixing. hoarse. he told us some facts; some people crumpled. i stayed behind to ask him the terrible questions. he was kind enough to draw a picture, in smeary ballpoint, of what he had done, where it had gone wrong, and where he made up a new plan from scratch with his hands inside a human being's chest.

i had this terrific moment with my own idiocy. i suddenly knew that i was the dumbest monkey in the building. i had been thinking this already as i walked and walked, thinking about the impossible knowledge of bodies, all the stuff i could never possibly contain or focus enough to learn, the facts contained inside every nurse whose eyes i did not meet, every orderly, every person in scrubs, even the janitors and even the ugly ones. the terrifying universe of data i could not hope to know. a gerbil touring nasa.

dr. brown drew me a picture like i was a caveman. i grunted and ate a bug. dr. brown asked if i had any more questions and i said no, and then i said the dumbest shit that has ever come out of my mouth, the lamest, the funniest, i said "uh, thanks."

i wish to god i had added "...dude" to make it the stupidest thing anyone has ever said. thanks... dawg. bro. man. mandude. sup. my father's life. word. upnod. nice one. sweet.

dude. dude

but really stupid hats though?

we wouldnt have it any other way

it's a brand new day, george

There was this moment in the last debate, when Barack Obama was asked some tricky question, and I was sitting there thinking, oh man don't screw this one up, tread carefully. The utterly pointless thing I do when I'm rooting for somebody in the public spotlight and so much can hinge on one botched reply.

But then I realized, he's GOT this. As much as I knew my held breath wasn't going to change anything, I also knew I could trust him to be on top of the situation and to speak well. That was the moment when he went from being my candidate, to being my president. That was when I knew I needed to do some of the things he was asking. I did not do very much. I could and should have done a lot more. But it went on record, as did my making absofuckinglutely sure my registration was in order, and standing in a line of strangers by a loading dock before dawn, and choosing my leader on a screen and trying very hard to keep my shit together because here, Gabby, I'm trying my best, here's the first one. If this works, you grow up in a different world.

People all over the planet wept and screamed at the same time last night. His portrait is going to go up in living rooms and there will be a wave of babies named Barack and we will never, ever hear the end of this in rap music. Stupid old P. Diddy was talking to a reporter about the future of American race relations and he broke off mid-sentence to join the "Yes We Can!" chant, because that was the thing that was more important to him right then. These are some of the things I thought about as I sat in my pajamas on my front porch at 1 o'clock this morning, listening to the shouts and fireworks and horns honking all over my city. Today I get to go out into the world and look people right in the eye.

Transition starts at noon today. Dude is on the job.

santos mcgarry 08

This shirt was made by Maarten on etsy; the design is based on graffiti by Ray Noland. I bought four.

It would be goofy for one's vote to hinge solely on emotions or race, but I can't pretend this election is not having an emotional effect on me, and I do really enjoy that the guy is dark and lovely. So it's a good thing I also agree with pretty much everything he says, plus how dreamy would it be to have a president who's heard of the internet and can make sentences? Trusting the person in charge of my country is something I'd kind of like to try.

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I used to hang out with this little kid I cared about very much. She happened to be female and black. I happened to be standing next to her at the moment she realized no U.S. president had ever been a black person or a woman. I don't think I had ever seen a six-year-old look incredulous or aghast. What a terrible, careful explanation I had to come up with, starting with the fact that no, there was no law against it, not any more, but it still had not happened. (Why? she said, and then, You do it.)

I think about Gabby a lot these days; I wonder whether she even recognizes that this election is different, that something big may be about to happen (is happening). I sort of hope she doesn't. Just two boring grownups talking on the tv. I lose my mind with happiness when I think how un-extraordinary things like this will seem to a lot of people younger than me. I want race to be no big deal. I want it to come up in conversation as often as a candidate's birthday. Trivia.

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I was having a rotten frenzied day last week: never stop moving for ten hours and still feel like nothing got done. Then in the middle of it I realized there might be a snag with my voter registration and I was all FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE and drove to the ass end of nowhere to make sure I was legal. I was pretty sure my day was ruined.

I packed a book, an ipod, and snacks as I assumed I would be rotting in some endless line in some horrible dank government building for hours. I was not prepared for the slickly organized, cheerful operation I walked into. Parking attendants waved orange flags in the parking lot like it was the state fair. The signs were accurate and helpful. The smiling angel of efficiency at the door sorted everyone into their appropriate lines with one question: no wasted time, no confusion. It took longer to walk down the corridor to find my line, than to actually stand in it; thanks to the place being absolutely covered in friendly, intelligent, well-labeled volunteers, I was done in three minutes.

That walk down the corridor was unlike anything I've ever done; it was lined with hundreds and hundreds of people waiting in line and and smiling about it. Possibly four hundred people and I did not see anybody who seemed pissed to be there. What I did see, more than once, was parents who had brought their six-year-olds along, to show them the voting process.

It was democracy heaven and regardless of my state's past voting habits, I don't think I am nuts to think it was also heavily Democratic. There was a specific quiet electricity in that building which, given that 99% of the people I saw were black, I just don't see being anything to do with McCain. That corridor was proud. This was one small window of time at one registration center. And it could have just been the excitement of new voters. I know. I am a bastard and a cynic just like everybody else. But my state used to be red on all the projection maps and now it is often pink and I feel pretty okay about that.

shiznit that has recently blown my mind

1. Charlie Chaplin was British.

2. Flickering lights, shirtless dudes laboring, and sweaty sluts: every Hollywood rendition of hell before 1960 looks exactly like a rave and there is no way I can keep a straight face for that crap.

3. I have not seen so much as a clip of Webster for at least 10 years and yet the barest glimpse of Alex Karras in a movie and I automatically think, hey, Webster's dad. That's in my stupid brain. Also, I had to look up his name just now but I did not have to look up "George Papadopolis." Disappointing.

4. It amazes me that there was a year when It's a Wonderful Life and The Best Years of Our Lives were in theaters within a month of each other. They were brand-new and people knew about them and talked about them, hey did you see the new Jimmy Stewart movie? I can't really explain, I guess, why this idea tickles me so much.

Anyway if you have not seen It's a Wonderful Life, what the hell are you doing, it is great. The Best Years of Our Lives, I had never even heard of until I found out it totally nabbed Best Picture from It's a Wonderful Life. So I watched it and figured out why: it is fucking incredible. For instance the kid with hooks for hands, who was injured during a training exercise? Was played by a kid with hooks for hands who was injured during a training exercise. Not an actor, an actual kid from the actual war, which ended the year before this movie came out. It follows three servicemen and shows how hard it is for them to acclimate to nonmilitary life after being in battle. It is moving in unexpected ways and it knocked me absolutely on my ass. If you see it, please tell me.

I FOUND MY CLAMBAKE

If you know me at all, for the past 6 years I have probably been crying you a river about trying to find the old movie with this line: "I like the way you handled yourself last night at the clambake. Yes, son, I liked it a lot." I finally got serious (beyond nagging people and googling it, which brings up only myself) about this endeavor and did the research and made a list of every film involving a clambake. Then I watched all of them and the last motherfucking one on the list was it! Pro: I found my clambake (Take Me Out to the Ballgame); I might have shrieked a little bit. Con: I had to watch Clambake. DON'T DO THAT.

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One week ago I had not seen Dirty Harry, Bright Eyes, The Keys to The Kingdom, Bus Stop, Broken Blossoms, Logan's Run, Meet John Doe, Roxie Hart, Lost Horizon, East of Eden, the original Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or any Hitchcock Presents. I'm different now.

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This morning I watched a silent film all the way through for the first time and fucking RECOGNIZED a guy and my mind split open. I know that guy's name and I know what his voice sounds like and I know what he looks like wearing a green shirt; he's not such a stranger to me, but there he was, all jerky freaky exaggerated super old-timey style. It was amazing. Netflix is the best thing ever.

it's a pretty all right life sometimes

Today I bought fish from a guy I have bought fish from 100 times before, and we'd never chatted, but today, thanks to a miscalibrated scale, we did chat, and 20 minutes later he hugged me and invited me to his beach house in Acapulco, and internet you will just have to trust that I am not shitting you when I say this did not feel weird.

hi, blah blah blah

so the ice cream machine is back to its usual price, but it's worth it

thanks internet for letting me know my blog is all bitched up, i have no idea why, i have asked typepad why vital stuff like rabbits are no longer appearing in the sidebar. if you need (NEEEEEEED) some stupid rabbits or my flickr link, it's all still accessible if you visit a "category" page - scroll down to that part of the sidebar and click on blogs or recipes or shitty movies, damn that list is old, wow.

barack obama, SWOON, just talked for an hour straight on Meet the Press with like one commercial break, SWOON. he was clear-spoken and answered the questions he was asked, FAINT, and made complete sentences with real grammar and stuff, DIE. Meet the Press is now called The Love Boat in my mind because that shit was sensual. PLEASE BE THE PRESIDENT.

in case you're a nerd like me

If you've ever been to my house I'm sure I have fed you 10 pints of homemade ice cream. If I've ever talked to you on the internet I'm sure I have never shut up about the homemade ice cream.

BECAUSE IT IS AWESOME.

The Cuisinart machine which has never failed me and which David Lebovitz recommends for home cooks is currently on sale for $19.99 on the amazons, which is about 60% off. PLEASE BUY ONE and then we can be ice cream nerds together 4ever.

also yesterday my brother totally got dooced

i was sitting at a red light at school-letting-out time, watching a herd of teenage kids waiting for the bus in front of the gas station. a guy in army fatigues finished filling up his car and was about to leave but one of the kids called out to him across the parking lot. i had this moment of dread, thinking maybe it was an insult, some smartass kid wanting to say something rude about the war, but then they were both smiling and walking a little closer towards each other so they didn't have to yell back and forth. i rolled down the car window, it was killing me not to know, but traffic was too loud. all i know is this tall skinny kid and the soldier were of different races, were not so far apart in age, and had some things to say to each other. and at the end, the soldier waved goodbye, and the kid drew himself up and gave the best salute his untrained seventeen-year-old arm could do, which wasn't very good, but the look of surprise which spread across the soldier's face was excellent. of course he returned the salute, and they both stood there like that for a moment in the noise and the exhaust by the side of the road.

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the post office does passports and i love to watch. applicants are quizzed by the postal clerk on stuff they just finished writing down on a form, which, how is that supposed to catch liars? the clerk makes them raise their right hands and solemnly swear it's all true. the best part is their left hands. the post office does not stock a bible, so yesterday i watched a man swear on his keys, and a woman swear on her mastercard.

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god bless america, here have some stupid mashups.

General Public vs. Rihanna (Party Ben) - Tender Umbrella

Arrested Developement vs. Beyonce (DJ Peaking) - People Ring the Alarm Everyday

Bob Marley (?i dunno) vs. TLC (synchronoize) - No Scrubs No Cry

bonus - all three of these have stealth beginnings, i.e. you don't know it's anything different from the original for the first 10 seconds or so. i adore this because it makes for fun ipod surprises, plus it infuriates people who don't like fun.